What will happen in the weeks prior to your wedding?
On August 3, the Shabbat morning one week prior to the wedding, Julian
will have an aufruf, literally a "calling up." He will recite the
blessings preceding and following a portion of the Torah reading in
synagogue, and he will receive a special blessing for bridegrooms.
Although a groom's aufruf is usually held on the Shabbat immediately
prior to the wedding, we have scheduled the aufruf a week earlier so
that Julian can share this occasion with his friends in Brookline
without having to travel to New York for the wedding at the last
minute.
A few days before the wedding, Shanna will go to the mikvah, or ritual
bath, for the first time, in order to spiritually prepare herself for
marriage. This will be followed by a henna ceremony with her close
friends, where Shanna's hands and those of her bridal party will be
decorated according to the Middle Eastern custom. Tradition states
that the honeymoon period does not end—and the new wife cannot do
any work—until the henna has completely faded from the bride's
hands, so Julian will have to wash a lot of dishes in those first few
weeks!
On August 9-10, Julian and Shanna will spend their last Shabbat as
singles apart from each other. This affords the opportunity for them
to consider the life-changing commitment they are about to make, and
to share old memories with their closest friends.
What will happen at your wedding?
The wedding will begin with a cocktail hour for the guests.
Julian and Shanna will alternate mingling with their guests
and hosting private tisches in an
adjoining room. The bedeken, or
veiling ceremony, will take place at the end of the cocktail
hour.
After the bedeken, the guests will assemble
in the sanctuary for the processional and ceremony under the chupah. The ceremony consists of two
parts—kiddushin (betrothal) and nissuin (marriage)—separated by the
reading of the ketubah. At the end of the
ceremony, Julian will break a glass and the couple
will be led by dancing and singing guests to the
yichud room.
While Shanna and Julian enjoy a few moments of privacy, the guests
will find their seats at the reception and place their dinner orders.
The couple will join their guests within twenty minutes for dancing and merrymaking.
Dance sets will alternate with courses of the meal, and the evening
will end with Birchat Hamazon, the grace
after meals.
How do we reach you after the wedding?
We have not yet found an apartment, but we'll post our address and phone number here as soon
as we have them ourselves.
Please see below regarding our names.
So, what is going on with your names?
The bride will change her name to Shanna T. Giora-Gorfajn. She has threatened to not open
any mall that omits or misspells any portion of that name.
The groom will be keeping his name.
The invitation says "half past three" and "chupah at half past four."
When should I actually arrive?
There will be an hour of cocktails and heavy hors d'eourves beginning
at 3:30 P.M. During this time, Julian and Shanna will host their
respective tisches, and you will have the
opportunity to mingle with other guests and witness the bedeken. The processional, followed by the
ceremony under the chupah, will begin at
4:30.
We strongly encourage all guests to arrive at 3:30.
What should I wear?
Our wedding is black tie optional. Men who already own tuxedos should
wear them; otherwise, a dark suit is perfectly appropriate. Women
should wear evening gowns or dressy evening suits. As the wedding is
a religious ceremony, women are also requested to dress modestly.
Head coverings are not required, but we will be providing yarmulkes
before the ceremony for guests who choose to wear them. Married
Jewish women may feel comfortable covering their hair during the
ceremony, although they are not required to do so; we will not be
providing scarves for this purpose.
All guests are encouraged to wear or bring comfortable shoes for
dancing.
Will I be seated with my significant other?
Yes. Men and women will be seated together for both the ceremony and
the reception.
What kind of music will there be during the reception?
Our band can and will play a wide variety of music. About 40% of the
dancing music will lend itself to Jewish simcha dancing. The remainder will be
divided between classic rock, swing—including big band classics
and
modern tunes—and a few 80's favorites. There will be room for a
few
requests from guests, although our band has been instructed not to
deviate too far from the "flavor" we chose for the wedding.
Will I be able to dance with my significant other?
Yes, for part of the reception. Shanna and Julian's entrance will be
followed by 30-40 minutes of fast-paced simcha dancing to modern and traditional
Jewish music. For this dance set, men and women will dance on different
parts of the dance floor, separated by a row of potted trees. After a
break for the next course of dinner, Shanna and Julian start off a set
of mixed dancing. We expect that the rest of the evening will alternate
between separate and mixed dancing, although we have no way to be sure!
Will I even be able to figure out how to dance?
Simcha dancing can be very simple or very complicated, but
primarily
it is an expression of joy and fun. Much of the music lends itself to
circle dancing; when the steps get more complicated, someone will be
happy to show you the moves—or you can just do your own thing!
Unfortunately, we are no better at ballroom or swing dancing than you
are, and so we can offer you no advice in that realm.
What is "shtick?"
(Or, is Bobby really going to wear a stormtrooper uniform?)
In Judaism, it is a mitzvah (commandment/good deed) to
rejoice with the bride and groom on their wedding day and, in
your rejoicing, to make the couple happy. The tradition has
evolved through the years. In Eastern Europe a few hundred
years ago, a jester would be hired to provide entertainment
through the reception, often teasing the couple about the
freedom they have left behind. Today, the couple's friends
will often dress in silly costumes, perform magic tricks or
acrobatics, and distribute plastic leis and maracas to the
other guests in order to enliven the party atmosphere.
Robert has been invited to wear a stormtrooper uniform to the
reception, but has not yet made a final decision as to his
attire. We'll keep you posted.
What about gifts?
Shanna and Julian are registered at Fortunoff (1-800-FORTUNOFF/1-800-367-8866) and Bed, Bath and Beyond
(1-800-GO-BEYOND/1-800-462-3966).
Non-registry items may be sent to:
Shanna T. Bar-Giora
2921 Preston Lane
Merrick, NY 11566
Why will you be fasting on your wedding day?
One's wedding day is considered a personal Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day
of Atonement. The bride and groom fast prior to the wedding ceremony
in order to cleanse their souls and better focus on the commitment
they are about to make to each other.
What goes on at the kallah's tisch and the chatan's tisch?
Since "tisch" is the Yiddish word for "table," the terms "kallah's tisch" and "chatan's tisch" mean,
literally, "bride's table" and "groom's table." During the first half of the cocktail hour, Julian will mingle with guests
in the cocktail room while Shanna entertains (and is entertained by) close female friends and relatives at a table in a
private room. Here, she will attempt to give a d'var torah, or short lesson on Jewish law. The guests at the table
will interject with jokes and songs, trying to lighten the mood and put Shanna at ease before the wedding. One of her
guests will also lead the others in mincha, the afternoon prayers. After about 20 minutes, Shanna will be escorted
into the cocktail room (with Julian safely out of sight) and led to a specially decorated chair—a symbolic throne for
the bride, who is treated as a queen. The period which follows is known as hachnasat kallah (literally, "attending
the bride"). Guests will greet the bride and close friends will receive special blessings from her.
In the meantime, Julian will be at his own tisch with male relatives and friends. In addition to the
recitation of mincha, two important documents will be witnessed at the chatan's tisch.
The first is tena'im, or engagement papers. Today this document is largely symbolic and is signed immediately before
the wedding to avoid the serious complications of a broken engagement. After tena'im are signed by two witnesses,
the parents will break a plate, indicating their hope that no further disagreements (broken plates) will occur between the
two families. Following tena'im, the ketubah is read aloud. Julian will indicate his
accension to this contract by the taking of a handkercheif, and two witnesses will sign the ketubah, making it a valid and binding contract. The final step in putting the ketubah into effect occurs when Julian hands it to Shanna under the chupah. Once these documents have been signed, Julian will be escorted from the tisch to
the cocktail room for the bedeken.
Why does Shanna wear a veil? What is a bedeken?
The bride's veil recalls the modesty of the Biblical matriarch Rebecca, who veiled herself upon seeing her future husband
Isaac for the first time. The veil indicates that the groom loves the bride for her inner beauty and spiritual qualities as
well as her outward appearance.
The term bedeken comes from a German word that literally means, "covering." Toward the end of the cocktail hour,
Julian will
be escorted by male friends and relatives (and some spirited music) from
the chatan's tisch to Shanna's "throne" in the cocktail room. He will take a moment to
ensure that the bride is, in fact, the woman he wants to marry, thereby avoiding the Biblical situation where Jacob
married Leah when he intended to marry her younger sister Rachel. Julian will then place one layer of
the veil over Shanna's face, alluding to his promise to clothe her (one of the groom's obligations to the bride as specified
in the ketubah).
Just as Rebecca's family blessed her before she left to marry Isaac, Julian and Shanna's fathers will bless her at the end
of the bedeken, just before the processional begins.
Why do both of you walk down the aisle? Why do you have two escorts each?
Both Julian and Shanna will walk down the aisle toward the chupah, just as both of them are moving from
their individual lives toward a new life together. Traditionally, the bride and groom are each escorted by both of their parents.
This signifies that their families support
the union, and that they will stand by their children as individuals and as a couple. As Shanna's mother cannot be with us today, her
sister Yael will have the special honor of accompanying the bride and their father to the chupah.
What does the chupah signify? Why will Julian arrive there first,
and why will Shanna walk circles around him?
The chupah, or marriage canopy, symbolizes the home that Shanna and Julian will build together as a married couple. Its open
sides recalls the tent of our ancestors Abraham and Sarah, who were known for their hospitality. The chupah also reminds us of
the canopies God erected in the Garden of Eden for the first wedding, between Adam and Eve. This wedding completed the act of Creation,
and just as every wedding recalls this first one, Divine joy is present at every wedding.
Julian will arrive at the chupah first in order to welcome Shanna into their home. (Roles will
reverse when Shanna enters the yichud room first to welcome Julian.) He provides the roof of their home,
but the home is still without walls. Shanna will join Julian at the end of the processional and walk seven circles around him,
symbolically building the walls of their new home. Just as the roof Julian provides will offer shelter to his bride, Shanna promises
protection and support for her groom by these walls. The seven circles recall the rotations of the earth during the seven days of
Creation, reminding us that marriage was the final act of that Creation. The circles are also said to represent the bride and groom's
entrance into the seven levels of each other's souls.
Although some brides are accompanied by two escorts—usually the mothers of the bride and groom—in their circles around the
groom, Shanna has chosen to walk these circuits alone, signifying her independence and the private nature of her relationship with
Julian.
Why do both Shanna and Julian wear white under the chupah?
White fabric, difficult to make and even more difficult to keep clean, was once reserved for royalty. As a bride and groom are
considered a Queen and King on their wedding day, Shanna and Julian will both wear white garments under the chupah. The color also signifies their great and pure joy on this special day.
When he arrives at the chupah, Julian will don a kittel, a
simple white robe that Jewish grooms have worn since Talmudic times.
The kittel has no pockets, indicating that Shanna is marrying
Julian for who he is and not for what wealth he brings to the union.
What goes on during kiddushin (the betrothal or ring ceremony)?
The Jewish wedding ceremony is divided into two parts: kiddushin and nissuin. Both
parts begin with a blessing over a cup of wine. In kiddushin this blessing is recited by the mesader
kiddushin, in our case Rabbi Jeremiah Wohlberg. He will then recite a second blessing which speaks of the sanctity of
marriage and reminds us which marriages are forbidden. Julian and Shanna will then each drink from this cup of wine.
Julian now gives his bride a gift: a simple wedding band. The ring must have no engravings, stones, or other adornments
so that its value may be easily and accurately assessed. The simplicity of the ring signifies our wish for a marriage
of simple beauty, free from blemish, obstruction, and conflict. As Julian places the ring on Shanna's finger, he will
say, "Harei at mekudeshet li b'taba'at zo kedat moshe v'yisrael"—"Behold, you are consecrated to me with
this ring according to the laws of Moses and Israel." By extending her finger to receive the ring, Shanna indicates her
desire to enter into this marriage. She remains silent, as any words spoken may be misinterpreted as
dissatisfaction or protest.
Julian places the ring on Shanna's right index finger. Since the bride stands to the
groom's right in a Jewish ceremony, her right hand receives the ring so
that the witnesses
have a clear view that the ring is actually being placed on her finger. Furthermore, the
index finger is commonly used for pointing and indicates the bride's active participation in
the betrothal ceremony. Later, Shanna will transfer the wedding band to her left ring
finger.
Is Shanna really going to be silent for the whole ceremony?
Yes, difficult as it may be, Shanna will not say a word from the
beginning of the processional until after the last of the sheva brachot. She promises to more than make
up for her silence during the reception.
Doesn't Julian get a wedding ring, too?
Because a double-ring ceremony has the potential to create problems
within Jewish law, Shanna and Julian have chosen to have a traditional
one-ring ceremony. However, Julian will not have to miss out on the
pleasure of wearing a wedding ring! Shanna will present Julian with
his wedding band during the reception, before their first dance as a
married couple.
What is a ketubah?
The ketubah is the Jewish marriage contract. The
traditional text we are using is written in Aramaic, the
vernacular of the Jewish people over 2000 years ago. This
binding document details the groom's obligations to the
bride; he promises to "work for, honor, provide for and
support [the bride] in accordance with the practices of
Jewish husbands..." The ketubah also grants the bride
several special privileges within the marriage. One of its
original purposes was to specify the amount of money she
would recover from her husband's estate in the event of his
death, placing her ahead of other creditors in collecting
debts and protecting her interests as a widow.
Hundreds of years ago, kiddushin, or
betrothal, took place about one year before nissuin, the marriage. Today, we conduct both
ceremonies successively, and the ketubah is read after kiddushin in order to form a separation between
the two.
Reading the ketubah also reminds us of the "marriage" between
God and the Jewish People, where "Moses took the Book of the Covenant"
and read it to the people after the Jewish nation stood under the
chupah at Mount Sinai (Ex. 24:7).
What are the sheva brachot (seven wedding blessings)?
For nissuin, the second part of the ceremony under the chupah, the seven wedding blessings are recited
over a second cup of wine. After the seventh blessing, Shanna and Julian
each drink some of the wine.
1. Blessed are You, Lord, our God, King of the universe, Who creates the
fruit of the vine.
This is the usual blessing said over wine.
2. Blessed are You, Lord, our God, King of the universe, Who has created
everything for His glory.
This blessing refers to Creation, an underlying theme of the Jewish
wedding.
3. Blessed are You, Lord, our God, King of the universe, Who fashioned the
Human.
This alludes to a complete human being before the creation of man and
woman, and provides an introduction to the next blessing.
4. Blessed are You, Lord, our God, King of the universe, Who fashioned the
Man in His image, and prepared for him—from himself—a building
for eternity. Blessed are you, Lord, Who fashioned the Man.
The "building" refers to Eve, the first woman, who was created from the
body of the original complete human being.
5. Bring intense joy and exultation to the barren one through the
ingathering of her children amidst her in her gladness. Blessed are You,
Lord, Who gladdens Zion through her children.
We pray that both Jerusalem and the new couple shall know intense and
everlasting joy, and that both will rejoice with their
children—literal and figurative—in their future happiness.
6. Gladden the beloved companions as You gladdened Your creature in the
Garden of Eden in that time. Blessed are You, Lord, Who gladdens groom
and bride.
We pray that God will gladden the new couple as they join together and
become loving companions for one another, and that He will grant them the
pure happiness of Adam and Eve. Just as Adam and Eve were certain that
they were destined for each other—as they the only people in the
world at the time of their marriage—the bride and groom should
always feel that they were intended as each other's perfect match.
7. Blessed are you, Lord, our God, King of the universe, Who created joy
and gladness, groom and bride, mirth, glad song, pleasure, delight, love,
brotherhood, peace, and companionship. Lord, our God, let there soon be
heard in the cities of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem the sound of joy
and the sound of gladness, the voice of the groom and the voice of the
bride, the sound of the grooms' jubilance from their canopies and of
youths from their song-filled feasts. Blessed are You, Who gladdens the
groom with his bride.
This lengthy and beautiful blessing concludes the sheva brachot
recited under the chupah. Two portions are
sung aloud by all present, and then repeated by the person reciting the
entire blessing. First is the ten expressions of happiness ("joy and
gladness…companionship"), which allude to the ten canopies that God
erected for the marriage of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. The
other, "the sound of joy…voice of the bride" is part of the longer song
beginning at "let there soon be heard," which is sung and played many
times throughout the wedding. The blessing ends with praise for God as
matchmaker, who creates joy for a person who has found his true
companion.
Why does Julian break a glass at the end of the ceremony?
Is there anything special about the glass you are breaking at your wedding?
We are commanded, even in times of extreme joy, to remember the destruction of
the First and Second Temples in Jerusalem. Shattering glass creates a loud,
sharp noise that should pierce our ears and our hearts, reminding us of the
Temple's glass gate that King Solomon built especially for bridegrooms.
Breaking a glass also recalls Moses's breaking of the first tablets of the Law
upon seeing the golden calf at Mount Sinai.
The glass that we are using is particularly fitting. It is a favor from a
Young Israel of Cornell Banquet that Shanna coordinated in the spring of 1999.
The theme for that event was "A Remembrance of the Temple," and the glass
goblets looked as if they had already been broken and pieced back together. At
the end of the spring 2000 semester, Julian was helping Shanna pack up her
belongings for summer storage. He was wrapping the glassware and placed one
too many items into a single box—and part of this goblet's rim chipped.
Shanna was very upset (as the glass represented a year of work in putting
together a—she thinks—spectacular event) until Julian pointed out,
"Hey, I broke a glass!" The wedding associations were too funny for Shanna to
remain upset, and they wrapped the glass carefully in many layers of bubble
paper to prevent any further damage. As the goblet is still mostly whole, and
one could drink out of and enjoy it, it is permissible to break this glass at
the end of our ceremony.
It is appropriate to greet the couple with "Mazal Tov!" (literally,
"Good Luck!") after breaking the glass, alluding to the verse: "He who has
found a wife has found goodness (tov), and he has brought favor from God"
(Proverbs 18:22). However, we ask our guests to first take a moment of silence
to remember the destruction of the Temples before greeting us, and to reflect
on the verses that we will chant before breaking the glass:
If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget her cunning.
Let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth, if I do not remember you;
if I do not place Jerusalem above my highest joy.
(from Psalm 137)
Why are Shanna and Julian running away right after the ceremony?
After the ceremony, Shanna and Julian will spend their first moments as a married couple in complete privacy, alluding to
the new intimacy in their relationship. Escorted by their dancing attendants and guests, they will walk from the chupah to the yichud room. ("Yichud" literally means "togetherness.") Two
witnesses will first ensure that there is no one in the room. Shanna will step in and then turn to welcome Julian into
this symbolic bridal chamber. The witnesses will close the door and stand guard outside the room, emphasizing that a
married couple's privacy must be respected. For the nosy among you, the yichud room is really just a symbolic
consummation of the marriage; Shanna and Julian will share a small meal and a few tender words, and that's all.
What marks the end of the wedding?
The reception officially ends with the group recitation of Birchat
Hamazon, the grace after meals. The grace is preceded by the
singing of Psalm 126, indicating the joy a couple feels immediately
following their wedding. One person is appinted leader of the grace,
and he begins by holding a cup of wine while inviting the guests to recite grace together. The usual
invitation to recite grace is expanded
after a wedding feast to include references to the celebration taking place and to joy in general.
After grace has been recited, the last six of
the sheva
brachot that were recited under the chupah are now said over a
second cup of wine.
The leader then makes the blessing over wine and drinks from the first cup. The wine from both cups
is poured into a third, and then some of the
mixed wine is poured back into the original cups, one of each is given to the bride and groom. After Shanna and Julian have drunk from
their cups, they will pass the wine around to the guests, who may drink a sip for good luck in love.
What does it mean that the food is "kosher?"
Kosher food conforms to the Jewish dietary laws. Primarily, these
laws restrict which land animals and seafood are permitted to be
eaten, and dictate that meat and dairy cannot be cooked, prepared,
served, or eaten together. A mashgiach, or
person well-versed in the dietary laws, will be in the kitchen to
supervise food preparation.
Who provides the kosher supervision for your caterer?
Rockville Caterers of Temple B'nai Sholom in Rockville Centre, New
York is under the supervision of Rabbi Gershon Kreuser of Belle
Harbour, New York.
Will I be able to eat at your wedding?
There will be four main course options for dinner: one red meat, one
chicken, one fish, and one vegetarian. These dishes will be preceded
by a fruit appetizer and salad, and will be followed by a selection of
decadent desserts. In addition, there will be a wide variety of food
stations and passed hors d'oeurves during the cocktail hour prior to the
ceremony. We expect that all of our guests will be able to avoid
foods that are troublesome and eat to their satisfaction.
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